Frustration. So much frustration

12 Jun

Well, it’s all over but for the fat lady singing.

It’s been a non-stop parade of single-lined pregnancy tests. No matter how hard I stared at those little thin pieces of cardboard, no second line developed. But I still haven’t gotten my period yet, so instead of being able to say “not pregnant, moving one”, it’s not pregnant….? I don’t want a question mark! I want a period!

I’ve been having the worse pre-period cramps for the past few days, culminating in last night’s 3am bout that had me up and walking around, trying to read, eating some noodles-anything to distract. I didn’t feel comfortable taking meds or using a heating pad in case, long shot scenario, I was pregnant and just not testing positive (which apparently can happen). This morning, I checked my temp and it had dipped below my coverline*, I had a few streaks of red in my CM, and my pregnancy test was negative. Again. So I figured that’s that and broke out a tampon and crawled back in bed. The Wife wrapped a heating pad around me, tucked me in with ibuprofen, and made me promise to text her if I started feeling badly.

But when I got up, no period. It was barely enough to qualify as light spotting. And it was dark brown. So, while I know that it’s pretty much done for this cycle, there’s still that “pretty much”. I can’t say definitely it’s DONE until I get my period. It would be a relief to say it’s done. At least, that way I’d know what I’m supposed to be feeling and get on with it already. But everyday I don’t have my period is a day I can still hope, a day that I might still be in the game. Like a third string benchwarmer, but still there.

Usually, my period is decently regular, maybe a day or two off. But there is always the same pattern. The night before, I’ll get cramps when I get into bed. The next day, I’ll start having some stomach issues and then cramping again before I fall asleep. Then my body will wake me in the middle of the night to go pee. I’ll go to the bathroom, pee, and bam. I’m bleeding. Take some ibuprofen and fall asleep in the arms of my handy dandy electric heating pad. I never get consistent night-after-night cramps. I never wake up in the middle of the night with cramps without having a period to go along with it. And this is the longest luteal phase I’ve had. Either the doctor’s office, my OPK’s, and my temps were all wrong and I ovulated later than I thought or I’m pregnant or my body is pulling the RUDEST TRICK EVER. Just so rude.

If I don’t get my period tomorrow, I’m going to call the doc and see if I can get a blood test for Thurs. That has to be a sure-fire way to get my period going.

PS: These past few days have sorely tested my ability to communicate. I am not the one to talk about troubles and worries. When I was in high school, my best friend found out my family was moving after my senior year when she saw the For Sale sign on our lawn because I just can’t talk about things sometimes. This has been a real struggle to get through because so many people are involved and know The Wife and I are trying to conceive and they want to cheer and support us, which is amazing, but I just want to shut down everything, barricade the metaphorical doors, and not emerge until I have a definitive answer. My poor mom called on Sun and I haven’t called her back because I just can’t talk about it right now. I’m struggling to stay open with The Wife, who has been so freaking wonderful through all of this. I feel so much more connected to her and I’m just so in love with her. She’s just the best. But it’s still hard to talk about all of the stresses I’m feeling. We’ve started taking evening walks and we’ll just stroll through the neighborhood and she’ll wait for me to work my way around to it and that has been really effective and helpful.

Even posting to a blog has been somewhat difficult, but I’m glad it’s here. Just bear with me a little bit as I get my stuff together.


One Response to “Frustration. So much frustration”

  1. areyoumymoms June 13, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    Ugh. That’s agonizing. If it helps (which it probably doesn’t!), there are lots of us who have been in your shoes. I’d definitely calll the doc and get a blood test ordered so that you can celebrate the cramping of implantation or await your period and get geared up for the next round. Regardless of the outcome, hold on to The Wife and let her carry some of your stress. Pretty soon you’ll be carrying something much larger for her. Hang in there. We’re all thinking about you!!

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